Heat lightning, sending a shock through my body. Firing the action potential in my nerves. Triggering a release. It strikes in the sky, bright against the coal. Running outside my window. It runs as if it has to, as if it has something to fight for. A dream to chase. I’ve laid awake since 1:00 and, now it’s 4 o’clock. The cracks, trembling to the soles of my feet. Every second felt, every minute an eternity.
Gripping at the straws of life, slipping through my fingers. Each time a pang in my heart, my soul. Though I’ve held on, I can’t carry it much longer. Holding poly problems, mine, yours, theirs, it doesn’t end. I make everything longer than it needs to be, my life, my hope, my despair. I carry it like an angel on my shoulder. (Lol this made me think of you Emma) On the ceiling dancing are the things all come and gone, here and there. I hurt so bad it feels almost physical. When will the mental games stop. I’m struggling to stay a float.
Am I a fool? Did I fall too far? There’s nothing I can do. Not much I can change. Your great scythe gleams. Will it bring me what I want? I will do it and so, give it up to you. I hope that’s okay? You must find more use, make it mean something, but it is too hard. There’s nothing I can do. Not much I can change. The absence of your features gives comfort, I will place my heart in your hands. I give it up to you.
It shoots across, snapping the thoughts away, a distraction, heat lightning. The creak on the last step of my stairs, the silence of the door swinging. Not to wake a soul. Watching it from my doorstep. Sleeping eyelid of the sky. Fluttering in a dream. The moist, coldness between my toes, from cold, icy, dirt. My feet leave prints in the fresh blanket of white. I wonder if they will find them in the morning? As I reach my end the painful memories of childhood reach me. Where we once used to play in the summer heat. Our very own lake, just a short walk away. Well I’ve held on, but I feel a storm approaching. The ripples in the lake. My feet swaying over the side of this old thing. Been here longer than I. It will continue to be after I. With me ‘til the end. The memories of this bridge, so sweet like blossoms in spring.
Trees are swaying in the wind like sea anemones. My hair that laid still, now whipping like the tail of a horse. Time seems to be impatient. There’s nothing I can do. I’ve laid myself bare, the moon sees my sin. Not much I can change. So… can I give it up to you? Take what I can’t bear. Find with your wisdom, in which my eyes are blind. Would that be okay? There’s nothing I can do.
Not much I can change. I give it up to you. There’s nothing I can do. Not much I can change. I… give it up to you.
The once gentle ripples, now violent waves. I would say I’m afraid. I would say it is frightening. The harsh winds, deathening snow, frozen body, but it’s not. The decision I made by myself, I find comfort in your skeletal figure. My soul is yours. The water splashes my bare body, the icy droplets remain. I step closer and closer. Heat lightning.
I surrender.
Inspired by Mitski.
Snake Vessel 