I’m all used up, pretty boy, over and over again. I only entertain others. My personality fitted to those around me. I just want to be loved. Why is it so hard? My nail color is wearing off. The flaking red all over my black leather seats. I sit in my car for 14 minutes before school. Each and everyday. Practicing, to be pure and perfect. But see my hands pretty boy, what do they tell you? The mask must come off.
I’m so undone, like a mummy unraveling. 14 minutes later, the bell sounds. As it does every day. You can hear my heels walking on, everyone knows it’s me. Those same heels clickety-clacking through the night. I have to let it out somehow. I can’t be perfect all the time. I need a break, an escape.
I’m carrying my bag of bones. Click, clack my shoes. Fluorescent store lights, you shine through the night. Illuminate my pores in the night. Expose my flaws for me. Carrying the charade is like leading an army. One wrong command and your dead, one wrong move, dead. Just do it for me. Make my choices. I can’t keep holding in your feelings. Where are mine? I’m tired of this search. Will you let me let go? Release the chain I hold around my neck. I can’t bring myself to.
The perfection is cracking. The weight of expectation drowns me. My grades, my friends, my peers, my parents, how do I hold on to it all. My heart can’t take it. It chips like the polish in my nails. One wrong move the dam will break. Smash it for me. Remove the polish with those hands. I will become undone. By another. Even in this, the role requires more than I can ever be. More than an expectation. Something I wish to erase.
Inspired by Mitski.
Snake Vessel 