I wasn’t blind, I could see as clear as day. You acted as if no one knew, as if I couldn’t notice. You’re growing tired of me. You look me in the eye, it cuts so deep. “I love you.” I know you do, I know that but, you love me so hard and I still can’t sleep. You’re growing tired of me. I lay there awake most nights when all the things of the night rustle. Wondering how we got here? How I let myself fall, how I let myself believe you could catch my soul. You miss me. Even with those open eyes. Oh you, oh sweet innocent you, the once innocent you. You think you love me even with all the things I don’t talk about. The lies I keep, stuck somewhere hidden, collecting dust as I speak.
Sorry, I don’t want your touch. Your touch that makes it disappear, Erases all the mistakes we’ve made. But, that’s unfair. All we do is stab from the back. Disguisng the wounds with sugar coated words. Sweet sernading like sirens. Bringing each other to the brink, to then push back. It’s not that I don’t want you. I do. Sorry, I can’t take your touch.
Left or right, right or left. We have always been faced on different sides. My mother warned me. I couldn’t help myself. It’s just that I fell in love with a war. I never thought I’d be the one to lose. The one who held my hands high as I surrendered defeat. My two feet walking out the door. Choosing to leave the comfort, the warmth. Nobody told me it ended and it left a pearl in my head. Drawing on the memories when I’m alone I roll the pearl around, stirring the feelings. Every night gets easier with you gone. I turn to feel the crisp sheets, the ghost of you there. So, I roll it around every night, that’s where I go. To heal the pain you gave.
Did the broken vases heal you? Was I worth more than what you gave? The damage is always hidden. Long sleeves, high necklines, long pants. The summers were more difficult, everyone knew something was wrong. He hid my truth with smiles, I hid his with clothing. I learned to stop the flinching, a small graze of his hand, once making me shriek with worry only now I smiled gently. Was I worth more than this?
Sorry I don’t want your touch. The malice you gave disguised with that sweet touch. It’s not that I dont want you. I once did, but now I do not want you. I wanted the love, the adoration, the attention you gave. Deceitful as it was, it gave what I needed. I know now. I recognize it now. Sorry, I can’t take your touch. I don’t want your love.
There was a hole that you filled. Now you’re gone, with that hole. The hole you created, the hole you fill, you fill. But it’s just that I fell in love with a war. The war I lost. But what was lost, I lost you, with that loss the pain. I now recognize that pearl in my head, I roll it around. I remind myself of my worth, I was worth more than your love. I was worth more than all you ever gave. And every night that’s where I go. Just to watch it glow. Illuminating the lies from the truths. The biggest lie you gave, the true dagger, “I love you.”
Inspiration “A Pearl” by Mitski.
Snake Vessel 